Face down in the dirt, she says "This doesn't hurt"

It doesn't hurt. Or at least that's what I tell my self. The pain isn't as bad when I tell myself this is all just a dream. But it's not a dream. And it does hurt. It hurts like hell. And I let him down. That's the worst part. I could live with that fucked up part of me if he hadn't told me that he didn't like it when I was upset. If he hadn't tried so hard to get me to smile, I could deal. If he hadn't asked me to try to be okay, maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much. The fact that I am letting him down because I can't handle my life kills me inside. I want to die because that would release me from my obligations. But this is exactly what he didn't want. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I'm such a failure....

厳しい時代

I have been going through some hard times. Which is why the title of this blog is Hard Times. Everything is exploding in my face. I have been replaced by some of my best friends and I can never get back the one person I love, nothings going my way. I have been replaced by the people i most care about and there is nothing i can do about it. The person I love doesn't need me anymore and doesn't care that it hurts me. Life kinda sucks.

A day at the beach

You would think it would have been nice, sun shining, cool breezes, shorts and tank tops and bathing suits and flip flops. No, not at all. I went and was supposed to meet up with some friends. I was supposed to give my friend, MacKenna, a ride. She went to New York and didn't tell me so i went alone. I saw the friends i was supposed to meet up with but i only knew one of the people there so I didn't approach them. My hour and a half at the beach was cold and I got sand in my ear and my hair got disgustingly salt watery. You would think that when you are supposed to hang out with somebody you would at least say hello to them. But no matter, I went home and slept, and now I am sitting at home, in my dads clothes as usual, blogging. Wish I hadn't gotten to this point where only people over the internet would listen to what i have to say.

Coming Out

Maybe its just me, but i think hiding who you are from your friends is stupid.
If you are gay or bi or whatever just tell them!
It may inspire others to do the same.
If they are really your friends they will accept you for who you are.
I know it's not easy.
It's even harder to tell your parents.
I would know.
It seems impossible and daunting.
But you can get through it.
I did.
I believe in you.
This is a hate free zone.
Love who you want.
Man or Woman.
What am I?
Who do I find myself attracted to?
Both Men and Women.
More Women though.
But enough about me.
Get out there and tell your friends!
Don't wait to long.
And be prepared for the questions.
And be prepared to lose people.
But remember, if they deny you now, they weren't real friends anyway.

Technology

Does it kill you that we all live off blogs? Isn't it horrible that this is how we communicate and we put our thoughts out there for complete strangers to read? What does this say about society? are we all condemned to being locked up on our computers, blocked off from society, communicating over blogs and Facebooking and Formsprings and other things like that? Am I the only one to be concerned by this? Is technology taking over our lives? Has it already? What happened to hanging out with friends and talking face to face? When did texting replace phone calls? When did Facebook chat replace Aim? When did Formspring anonymity replace asking questions and sucking it up and waiting to see what happens afterwords? It all went away. I miss the simpler times. But i guess that's just me....

I Know

When you lie
I know
When you are hurting
I know
When you are happy
I know
And when you are in love
I know
You are my life
I love you with all that I have
But you love another
And you don't need me anymore
I can pretend
I can fake a smile
And act like i don't know
But it kills me to know that my love is wasted
Because you will never feel the same.