Face down in the dirt, she says "This doesn't hurt"

It doesn't hurt. Or at least that's what I tell my self. The pain isn't as bad when I tell myself this is all just a dream. But it's not a dream. And it does hurt. It hurts like hell. And I let him down. That's the worst part. I could live with that fucked up part of me if he hadn't told me that he didn't like it when I was upset. If he hadn't tried so hard to get me to smile, I could deal. If he hadn't asked me to try to be okay, maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much. The fact that I am letting him down because I can't handle my life kills me inside. I want to die because that would release me from my obligations. But this is exactly what he didn't want. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I'm such a failure....